An Idiot's Guide to Writing Kingdom Hearts
by Halfbred
Summary: Written by idiots not for idiots Sora, Riku and Kairi and join together in a fight to save [insert cliche] in a desperate bid for some cheap laughs. Please won't somebody stop the repitition! SoraKairi, SoraRiku, RikuIrritating original female. Now specia
1. The Idiot's Guide

Did you ever do something which you knew was a bad idea but did anyway, like die your hair magenta, eat two week old take, sell your soul to the devil or listen to Culture Club records? I have a sneaking suspicion this is going to be one of those things. But it's written now and I might as well plunge on. This is my attempt in some small way to make the world a better place and am not trying to upset or offend anyone or bring the wrath of an entire fandom down on my head. I can only plead insanity. 

"The truth shall make ye fret."

"If it's a complaint you have to take it up with the complaints, beheadings and horsewhipping editor."

_                                                                                                 –_ Terry Pratchett, The Truth             

Kingdom Hearts 2

The Title Everyone Uses

By 

Halfbred

_With author's commentary_

_Glaze over Riku's escape from Kingdom Hearts. After all he is only trapped in the heart of all worlds, the kingdom of absolute light and darkness where innumerable heartless wait in their pits of shadow and despair for the day when the wrath or ignorance of mankind will one day release them into the universe they so crave to devour. Why should he have any problems getting out of there? After all if he keeps going on route fifty two on the freeway for about five minutes he'll probably run into Sora coming the opposite direction. Alternatively there may be a handy population of people inhabiting aforementioned heart of all worlds (Where the hearts of the lost go when they are swallowed by shadows and wherein lies the ultimate power) and one of them is sure to be able to call him a cab that'll take him straight back to the destiny isles. _

Riku sat on the ground and contemplated the agonies of his time spent beyond the door. Time had no meaning here. Day and night ceased to exit here. There was no moon, no stars, no way to mark the passage of the never ending flow of time as it rushed from the well of the past into the endless void of the future. His wrist watched beeped. It had been ten minutes since the door had closed. 

He stared out into the infinity of darkness and reflected that no sin, even ones as heinous as those against the universe that he had vowed to atone for was worth this punishment. The king had already exhausted limited his repertoire of songs with When You Wish Upon A Star and the Disney Club March and was now treating him to an encore of It's A Small World – with actions. 

                It was as he braced himself for the onslaught of another chorus that a bright light pierced the darkness of the void and miraculously halted the dirge before the king could reach the part with the Cossack dancing. A hooded stranger in a hood with his hood up appeared before Riku. 

                "Greetings Riku (Insert suitably archaic or significant surname here. Suggestions: Edalbyek, Sephijnr, Blindfoldedguy.) And you, oh great and wise king who just incidentally happens to resemble a four foot, all-singing, all-dancing mouse " Said the stranger with the hood. 

                "Who are you?" Demanded Riku, feeling uneasy and exposed because that bastard Sora had stolen one of his keyblades and broken the other.

                "I am Sloppily-Employed-Plot-Device, but you may call me Sepd for short. I have come to take you from this place for you are needed in another world. Take my hand and we will be gone from this world."

                Riku and the king each took one of Sepd hands and the hooded man started to chant. Then he paused and fished a blindfold out of his hood. He offered it to Riku.

                "Could you put this on please?" 

                Riku looked at it puzzled. "Why?" 

                "Narrative Convenience."

                Riku placed the blindfold over his eyes and in a flash of light they left Kingdom Hearts with such ease that everyone has to wonder why on earth Ansem and Malevolent ever bothered with the whole collect the seven princesses thing. They landed safely on soft grass and Sepd, his role fulfilled, vanished, never to appear in this story again.

Actually that's a little too detailed. If you're in a real hurry try this. 

When Riku woke he was back in the Destiny Islands. Sora and Kairi were there too. The End

                                                        ~

Kick Donald and Goofy to the Curb. True they are his undying friends who followed him to the End of Worlds and are main characters without which the whole premise of Kingdom Hearts would be rendered null and void, but where does that compare to having to right a story that involves a duck in a sailor suit. However remember if you're going to simply kill them off, you have to bare in mind that they are toons and as such large heights, falling pianos and dynamite are all useless. Much better to go for the bloodless coop. 

                Donald wrenched the letter from Pluto and tore open the envelope. He read through it. "Aw, nuts!"

                "What is it?" said Sora, his heart pounding in anticipation. "Is it a letter from the king, or Riku. Does it say where they are?" 

                Dejectedly Donald passed him the letter. It read: "Dear Donald. If you don't stop fooling around with Captain Canine and the kid in the Capri pants I fully intend to accept Scrooge McDuck's offer of marriage. Hop back in your ship and get those damn rodents to get you home ASAP. Love Daisy."

                "Sorry Sora." Said Donald. "But she sounds like she means it."

                "That's okay. Me and Goofy will continue to search for the king and Riku."

                "Actually." Said Goofy. "Looking embarrassed. "I can't."

"Why not?" 

"Well uh, me and Pluto are getting married." 

"What!" Donald exclaimed. "Are you crazy?" 

He knelt down beside Pluto. "I mean you're much to good for him. Your IQ has to be at least triple his."

"I know." Said Pluto. "But this is merely a step on my quest in the pursuit of equality among dogs. If matrimony to Goofy is what it takes to allow me to wear plus fours and own a house instead of a kennel in Mickey's back yard. Then that's what I will do." 

                "Okay." Said Donald. "Let's go."

                "But what about the door to the light?" Yelled Sora as the gummi ship squealed away.

                "Hey! You are the one who will open the door." Donald yelled back. "Whatcha need us for?"

                And Sora was left alone, easy prey for the myriad of characters looking for a cameo. 

                                                        ~

You know what this story is missing? A few more Keyblades. One Keymaster is never enough, so let's shove in a few more. Plus I think we need a little girl power. However please remember, girls don't get Keyblades, girls get Keystaffs, girls are forbidden swords and sword derivatives. This is because girls might hurt themselves and because if boys and girls shared the same weapons it would make the boys look wussy. 

                When Kairi reached the secret place there was a keyblade waiting for her. She knew it was for her because it had a note marked 'Kairi' on it. She picked it up and using the skills she had learned in the last two days spun it around her head, then almost fell over as the key transformed into a heavy and completely impractical staff. 

                Silently the door of the secret place swung open to reveal an entire universe beyond. She crossed her arms in front of her. This was all too easy. She was hardly just going to walk into the unknown after what had happened last time. 

                "Hey Kairi...man." Said a familiar voice. "Me and Tidus are going to play some blitz. Ya wanna come cheer me on?"

                She dived into the unknown.

                                                        ~

Whether to give Riku a keyblade too is a point of argument. Yes the more Keyblades the merrier but if you want to do a play-by-play of Deep Dive that's going to be difficult. Of course you could always give him a keyblade and take it away again. 

Riku walked along the road, unsure of where to go. He was completely blind in this word. Probably, he noted, because he was still wearing the blindfold. But it had been part of the deal with Sepd and though he doubted he would ever see the cloaked stranger again he would rather be blind then risk being stuck back in Kingdom Hearts with the king. Though he was blind he knew the king was no longer with him because the people he met on the street had all failed to scream at the sight of a four foot mouse wearing shorts. Riku was enjoying the quiet ,but knew it wouldn't last. It was only a matter of time until the king was back with another meaningful and portentous warning, but at least he couldn't taunt him with his keyblade in voiceover. 

Suddenly there was the familiar sound of heartless appearing as the ambient background music picked up in tempo. He panicked. He had no weapon and he was completely blind. The first Heartless threw itself at him and cut itself on the keyblade the had magically appeared in his hands. Rather then worry where this magical sword had come from he decided it use it to not die and began to fight.  

 Fortunately the blindfold in no way hindered his fighting abilities and he was able to kill all twelve billion of the heartless without breaking a sweat. When he was done he slide the keyblade into its sheath.* Then he was on his way once more. However when he reached the nearest town he met someone with a stronger heart who subsequently sold the blade on e-bay. 

_*Think about it!!_

                                                        ~

_Now that the extra baggage has been dumped feel free to add your own favourite characters. This is an ensemble piece after all. By tradition only certain characters are permitted within the Kingdom Hearts fandom. _

_Anime Characters_ _Final Fantasy Characters_ _Harry Potter _ _The Hunchback of Notre Dame: Think before including him. There is a reason he and all his dull little friends were excluded from the game in the first place. Forget bad dubbing. That movie was the worst translation of a piece. You know there was a Hunchback 2 were he actually marries Jennifer Love Hewitt!_

_On no accounts are you to explain who these people are and where they come from. After all your readership probably knows everything and has seen all the same programmes as you. (Note the oh so subtle use of irony concealing a desperate plea from a person who has to drive for two and a half hours and then stay up until four in the morning just to watch an episode of Gundam. Put in a blurb. It doesn't have to be long just give those who haven't seen the show/ read the book/ played the game/ visited Fictionpress a chance so we know where we stand.)_

Sora rounded a corner and found two young men standing in the road. One had short black hair and wore a red jumper under a long black dress. He had a scar running across his forehead. The other was dressed in a velvet suit and had spiky blonde hair. He apparently had just escaped an attempted drowning as he still had the massive paperweight used to sink him around his neck. 

Sora waved to them. "Who are you?" He asked.

The dark haired boy shook his hand. "I'm Harry Potter. A boy wizard who attends Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. I fight the Dark Lord Voldemort on an annual basis and have more merchandising to my name then all the Disney characters put together." 

Now the other young man greeted him. "I'm Yugi. I save the world by obsessively collecting and playing cards and am inhabited by the spirit of an ancient Pharaoh, who tends to talk more than I do. I live in a world where no one notices when a person grows two feet taller when angry. 

(Wink* You see it's easy, isn't it?)

"I'm Sora. I'm a quest to find the door to the light."

At this Harry's eyes lit up. "Really?" Can we help you in your quest?"

Sora looked at him perplexed. "Why would you want to come with me?"

"Well," said Harry. "I'm on my own personal quest to appear in every fandom in the world."

"And I want to help," said Yugi, "Because I seem to have become uncommonly popular with the people who write Kingdom Hearts and the author wants to prove a point." 

Sora shrugged. "Okay, sure."

                                                        ~

_Kairi should get few a scenes too. It doesn't matter about the content. Just as long as her name appears enough times for her to be still considered a major character when she appears out of nowhere for the happy wrap up. And don't forget to add in a few cheap twists. These are what give Harry his fanbase.   _

They seemed to be no end to them. She wandered the cosmos seeking out and engaging the heartless in all the worlds she came to. Still there was no sign of the boys. Her only consolation for her fruitless search was that when she finally did track them down she would be able to say she had killed just as any things as them and had done it without the help of the dog and the duck or the forces of supreme darkness.

But now she was wandering in blackness. There seemed nothing ahead or behind but the infinity of space. She kept walking and as she did she imagined the boys were walking with her.  It would be wonderful to find them again. But she knew once she did, sooner or later she would have to chose. Sure it was nice to have them both fawning on her constantly but she couldn't push them too far or she would risk losing both of them. 

But who to chose? Both had gone to the ends of the earths to save her. Admittedly Riku had gone about it in his own unique way and Sora had stopped along the way to indulge in everything from rope swinging to pot smashing to mad tea parties but it was the thought that counted. Both for athletic and fairly good looking, though collectively their dress sense equalled that of a blind caveman who bought all his clothes from an eighties memorabilia store. 

As she thought of them she could almost hear their names on the wind. Sora. Riku. Sora." 

She looked up. Two men in tuxedos stood above her, each held a microphone. They were accompanied by a violinist, a flute player, and a pianist. She glared at them. The strains of romantic music died off. One of the men gave a plaintive little "Sora." And then wilted under her gaze.

"Is this some kind of a joke?" She demanded..

"Don't ask us honey." Said one of the men. "We were just paid to do this."

"By who?"

"That guy up there." She turned to see a man with long white hair and glowing amber behind her. Across the chest of his white coat was a  very familiar symbol.

She gasped and drew her keyblade. "Ansem, the seeker of darkness." 

"It is I, Ansem the seeker of darkness." He cursed. "You spoiled my entrance."

"But I thought you were dead?" said Kairi.

"Oh I am. But this is what you'd call a dream sequence." He explained. "Dream sequences are important. They keep it on a sort of on a spiritual level."

"Right."

"After all, four Final Fantasies can't be wrong can they? Plus there was that Spirits Within fiasco."

"Yeah, what was that about?"

"I don't know. Anyway Kairi. I have come to give you a message." He drew himself up impressively. "I am…wait for it…your father." 

She crossed her arms. "Well duh."

"No, don't try to deny it I am your – wait a second. You know?"

"Of course. I mean come on. You're a king, I'm a princess. We both come from Hollow Bastion. All my flashbacks occur in your library. It's not exactly rocket science. Is that all?"

"Well that's all I thought I'd need." He admitted. "Usually it's enough of a shocker." There was an embarrassed pause. "I can cut off your hand if you like? Oh I could seal Sora in a block of grey something or other.?"

"I think I'll pass, thanks." 

"Okay, your loss. Oh and about the whole who to date dilemma. Pick Sora."

"What?"

"As your father, I'm telling you pick Sora. I have been inside that Riku's head and you do not want to go there."

"Um, okay." She found herself at a loss for anything else to say. Then she brightened. "So if you're dead and I'm your daughter does that mean I'm in line for inheritance of some kind?"

                                                        ~

_Introduce a new female character. This is vital because we don't want the audience to feel in any way bummed when we reach the happy wrap up and mathematics come into play. The threesome option is not one you want to delve into two deeply if you want to keep it suitable for our younger viewers, besides look how Pearl Harbour bombed out. _

_The girl should be beautiful, broody and understanding. She should have a name which contains a lot of Ls and As or alternatively one completely plagiarised from a popular anime. By all means give her a keyblade but bare in mind the keystaff rule. _

Her name was Lana-Sakura Rubyheartlove. She was incredibly beautiful. With long dark hair that billowed in the wind and mysterious green eyes that seemed to see right into his heart*. Despite the fact that she had been living rough, hunted by the heartless who pursued her for no discernable reason she still managed to look like she had walked off a fashion shoot. Her hair and make up were flawless, she wore a short black skirt and bright shirt made of intricate red lace. Her knee high black boots had six-inch stiletto heels that still allowed her to achieve triple backflips and run one hundred metre sprints with shattering her anklebones into more pieces than there are Cloud-Sephiroth pairings. 

                She had had a difficult childhood. Growing up her family were so poor that they had to share the toilet cubicle they inhabited with four other families, two flower girls, a prostitute, the butcher, the baker, the candlestickmaker and the entire cast of Cats. Their father had been a genius but no one had believed in his discovery that the heartless could easily be vanquished by weapons made of celery. 

Her mother had died when she was twelve in a freak accident involving an ironing board, a giraffe and a woolly hat. Despairing at the loss of his beloved wife her father had impaled himself on his own parsnip machete. By then she was so poor that she was forced to eat her bothers and sisters. However because of her rough upbringing she had learned to kick serious ass and gained a level of magic that would make Ultimecia green with envy. 

The moment they set eyes on each other they knew that they were special. They could see directly into each others hearts.*

_* Note the use of heart instead of more conventional soul. This is more thematic_. 

                                                        ~

_Alternatively don't introduce a new female character, just cut out the problem character. Kairi always was an interloping, planet hopping tease. Shaft her off onto one of the other male characters, there's plenty to chose from. Hook her up with Wakka. "Hey what's happening dot dot dot…dot man." Or Squeon, he seems perfectly happy to hook up with women half his age and height. _

_Now that she's out of the way you can concentrate on the coupling that really matters, Sora/Riku. And lets face it, they are the perfect coupling. Well okay, there's that little tiny detail where both of them maintain a mad obsession for Kairi throughout the game and that the whole personal subtext basically centres around their love triangle, but why should a little sidenote like that get in the way. They were probably just overcompensating anyway.  _

Sora gazed into the water's edge, thinking of Kairi. He could see her image in the water. She looked so beautiful. He missed her so much.

The image in the water flickered and changed. Now it was of Riku. He stared up at him with deep green eyes, that seemed to see right into the heart.* The wind though the trees seemed to be whispering his name. "Riku. Riku."

He looked up. A baleful gaze met his. It amazed him how they could fit the piano in the tree. "Look buddy, I've been paid to say Riku one thousand times and I'm going to do it if I have to serenade a bunch of cockroaches. You got it? So I suggest you sit back, enjoy the moonlight and let me get on with it."

"Sora, Sora, we've found the keyhole." Sora leapt up. "Great. I need to get out of this crazy world."

_*There it is again_

                                                        ~

The Final Fantasy Interlopers should get a look in as well. After all, fare's fare and if Disney get a look in so should they. Don't skimp on the Cloud/Aerith dynamic. Any excuse right? AndDon't forget to include Sephiroth. After all he is a very cool character and the perfect person to give Riku advice. Seeing as they share such deep bond, with the white hair and all. Of course if you are going to use Sephiroth you are going to have to alter that small personality trait of his that makes him a genocidal maniac with a God Complex who is intent on destroying the world. But he's such a cool character who's going to notice. (AN: What is it about white haired anime characters? It doesn't matter if you're a good hearted king, an elite warrior, a mild mannered student, or the world beyblading champion. Sooner or later something short circuit's that little box marked sanity and they are off cackling madly and wearing underpants on their head.) 

Squeon sighed. Getting Hollow Bastion back into good condition was turning out to be more difficult than expected. Of course, he acknowledged it would be easier if he had a little help. Cloud and Aerith had disappeared into their little love nest in the east tower two weeks ago and hadn't been seen since. Cid was still sulking over what he called the gross impertinence of the establishment in their refusal to supply him with vocalization and now refused to come out of his room. That left him with Yuffie, who had taken to following him around constantly like a lost moogle. This caused problems for Leon because, while their was no shortage of support for them getting together he couldn't shake the feeling that someone, somewhere would be very, very angry with him if he did. Besides, there was that whole statutory rape issue.  She was fifteen and he, lets face it, had the voice of a thirty year old. 

So instead he concentrated on getting Hollow Bastion back to its former glory. It was a monumental task. There was the mess that the heartless made to be cleaned up and someone had unaccountably punched holes through the walls of the cellar. The plumbing seemed to break down on a weekly basis and he as continually finding black feathers clogging the drain. In edition Machiavelli's the Prince and the complete works of Adolf Hitler had both gone missing from the library. And of course you needed to be an Olympic standard long jumper just to get down to breakfast in the mornings.

Just at that moment there was a knock on the front door. He went downstairs to find a young man and he was wearing a blindfold and looking very nervous. "Hi, my name is Wakka. Can we have a room for the night?"

                "Yeah, sure. Come on in…Wakka." He half-opened the door and then slammed it closed again. "Wait a second Riku." 

                The boy's shoulders slumped. "You know?"

                "Well, duh. A raincoat and a blindfold aren't exactly the best of disguises. Not when you live with Cloud." He shuddered at some private memory

                "So are you going to try and kill me?"

"For what?"

"Because, you know," he dropped his voice. "I turned evil and tried to bring about the end of all worlds."

Squeon shrugged. "Who hasn't? If I tried to kill everyone who had almost destroyed the worlds I would have very few friends left."

Looking rather perplexed Riku asked. "Can I come in so?"

"That depends?"

"On what?"

Squeon bent down low and asked in a very low voice. "Is the talking mouse with you? It's just that last time he was here he made us sing." He winced as if trying not to recall. "And dance. He and Yuffie did a duet about bunnies."

"Well, there's only me." Said Riku. "And I'm wrapped in my own personal misery as I try to repent for all the evil I have done and recompense all the people I have wronged, through a broody self-sacrificing, self-flagellating quest in which I must face all the personal fears and demons I have created, no matter the personal cost."

Squeon beamed. "Wonderful. So there's absolutely no chance of you doing the Hokey-Pokey then is there? Come on in."

Riku entered the foyer where he had. They had painted it green. It looked good. Lana came inside too. She had taken to trailing him across the worlds. He had thought he had finally shaken her when he left her in the dungeon of the vampire king, surrounded by an army of mutant zombie Pekinese, but here she was again.

                "If you'll just wait here." Said Squeon. "I'll just see if I can find them."

                "So?" Said Lana with a smile, as they stood in the hall. "Do you want to give me the tour?"

                Riku frowned. "Well, there's where I betrayed and attempted to brutally murder my best, and there's where the keyblade was ripped from my grasp because my heart wasn't strong enough, and through there's where I made a deal with the evil witch queen, and up there is where I gave my heart to darkness."

                Lana nodded vaguely. "Yeah, but where's the bathroom?"

                He pointed her in the right direction and she rushed off.  Seconds later a man wearing goggles and a white t-shirt came through the door. He had a cigarette jammed so firmly into his mouth that even the political correctness of the Disney Corporation could not remove it completely. He caught sight of Riku and immediately began to mutter. "One lousy line. They couldn't give me one lousy line. That white haired fairy with the sword gets one scene and they hire a Timberlakey but they couldn't even draft in someone to give me one line. I mean I actually contributed to the damn plot but could they give me a voice? Oh, no. They didn't have to suffer the degradation of the Spirits Within. They didn't have to put up with being an oglop, a frog and a jumper wearing desk jockey. I do too much for this damn company." He slammed the door behind him. 

                A moment later Riku could hear voices from the upper corridors. "Would you two get out here? There are people downstairs who need our wisdom and guidance."

                "We're busy." Cloud yelled back. 

                "Don't give me that. You two have been at it like rabbits for two weeks."

 "Oh don't be a spoilsport." Said Aerith. "After all you only live twice."

                "_You _only live twice." Muttered Squeon.

A little while later Riku was wandering around the chapel repenting for sins and worrying about everything when he heard a voice. "Hey kid! Look this way."

He looked around. There was no one behind him but as he watched a spectacular light show began and a tall good looking man with flowing white hair appeared. Riku yelped. "Ansem!"

The man gave him a look that said, if I wasn't afraid of breaking my mysterious air by talking too much a lot I'd give you a piece of my mind for mistaking me for that wannabe. Instead he said. "You have strayed far from the light."

"Who are you?" asked Riku.

"I am a guide. You are no longer true to yourself. You must stand with the ones you love if you ever wish to be victorious. Your heart must be strong if it is to combat the darkness. The light that shines inside you must be your weapon. Only in weakness will you find strength. You must find your own path. You alone must find back the heartless. Do not be afraid for I see the truth shining within you."

Riku's lips moved as he tried to work something out. "You just contradicted everything you said."

The man tapped his skull. "Think about it." He turned to walk away and Riku noticed one black wing emerging from his coat. The man had almost vanished into the shadows when he stopped and turned around. 

"This may sound a little weird, but do you know who your father is?" 

"What?" 

"Your father, your daddy, your papa. Do you know who he is?"

"Yes."

"You ever get a DNA test done?"

"What?"

"It's just the hair and the eyes and restless, moody kick, plus the whole going evil thing I thought…well I've had a lot of one night stands in my time and its hard to keep track of them all. Your mom's never worked for a guy named Corneo, has she?"

"NO!"

"Dancing, singing maybe a little something else on the side." He watched Riku's expression. "You know what – forget I said anything okay. Except of course the whole redemption and light and love stuff. Remember that, just forget the last bit. Got to go." He vanished into the shadows. 

"Who was that?" asked Lana, who had miraculously found him again. 

"You know, I'm really, really glad I don't know." Said Riku staring into the shadows. 

                                                        ~

The big finish is vital for your story, after all it is the climax. The timing and placing for this battle is crucial and you think long and hard before writing it so that you're sure all the essential elements are in place. I, for example decided to put in my climax at this point because I got really bored with writing this story. If, during the course of your climax you can shove in even a partial explanation for "Another Side, Another Story" or "Deep Dive" so much the better. 

Sora was worried. His companions were worrying him. He had already travelled with them to their worlds where he had combated such terrible puns as the Cardblade master, and the Wandless, but now both were acting in way that scared him. It was amazing how people could fall out of character when taken out of their fandoms. 

                "Well gorsh!" said Yugy. "I sure am tired." 

                "Aw, shut up." Said Harold, hitting him on the back of the head. "Stop complaining." 

                "Can't we just have a break?" 

                "No. We have to find to find the king!" 

                "But Darold. I want to go back to the magic kingdom." 

                "Why don't two just sit on this log and I'll go see what's up ahead." Said Sora. 

He turned the corner and found himself standing in the middle of a city. The neon lights glared at him. It began to rain and as it did his hair was flattened against his head and all the colour was washed out of it. He pulled up the hood of a rain coat he did not remember putting on and looked around. Thankfully there was no sign of Harry or Yugi. Suddenly a man rushed up to him and shoved something into his arms. "Here you take it. That's the last time I order anything off that stupid site, I should have bought the signed Cher CD ." He stormed off. Sora looked down. He was holding a second Keyblade.

Riku jumped as the roof door slammed behind him. He had been almost positive that he had just walked through the door of the Hollow Bastion Library. Lana seemed to have vanished to, but he knew that wasn't going to last. He suspected she was going to make him marry her tomorrow. He would have to sit her down and explain the whole Kairi thing. He was now standing on top of the roof of a tall building. He looked down. Sora was standing down below in a sea of heartless.  

The final battle began. It was a terrible battle involving much glowing hearts, running up walls and jumping off buildings. Keyblades were tossed and thrown between the keyblade masters. No one was quite sure who was who but everyone was pretty sure who the bad guys were so that was alright. Kairi and Lana both showed up and did a little butt kicking of their own but obviously had to be saved in the end by the boys. The king showed up too and apologized for being late, explaining that Sepd had turned up and demanded one percent gross of the Disneyland Profits or he would put them all back in Kingdom Hearts. The king had been forced to sic the attack lawyers on him and he was now doing hard time for dimension jumping without a license, leaving Riku free to remove his blindfold. 

In the ensuing battle all the heartless in all the worlds turned up and were killed making the heroes victorious and the worlds safe from them for all eternity. 

                                                        ~

And finally after…days of searching. Sora, Riku and Kairi are reunited After all that suffering, betrayal and hardship. Their search for each other which spanned the cosmos is over and all the pent up emotions, the heart ache, the longing, the loneliness can spill out. Observe when Sora meets Riku. 

 "Hi Riku, glad to see you're not dead."

"Hi Sora, sorry I tried to kill you all those times." 

Or when Riku meets Kairi.

"Hi, Kairi, sorry I tried to kill you all those times." 

"Hi Riku, sorry my dad possessed you and made you wear skin-tight armour."

Or when Kairi meets Sora. 

"Hi Sora, um Selphie gave me fruit salad with paopu in it and now I'm cosmically linked to Wakka, is that okay?"

                                                        ~

And now its time for the happy wrap up. Send them all back to the destiny island for hugs and kisses. Maybe they can get married. Maybe the girls will get pregnant. Maybe someone's long lost mother/brother/cat/watch can turn up. Maybe Wakka can be killed off by a falling coconut. Whatever you chose make sure the entire chapter is  interspersed with the lilting stains of Simple and Clean (Which after all is so much more effective when it's read not sung). And be sure to fade out on a beach under a fiery golden sky. My god if I see one more Destiny Isle Sunset I'm going to vomit!!

You're giving me so many things

Lately you're all I need

Sora smiled. Kairi smiled. Lana smiled. Riku smiled. Above them the Destiny Isle sky blazed red and gold. From somewhere a voice yelled. "I wonder what happens if I shake this tree yeah?"

You smiled at me and said 

Don't get me wrong I love you

Sora sighed. Kairi sighed. Lana smiled. Riku smiled. From somewhere came a thud. "Ow, my head...man."

But does that mean I have to meet your father. 

When we are older you'll understand

Sora was blissfully happy. His was with his best friends and the person he loved most in the world. His baby was already growing inside of Kairi and they soon would make the perfect family. The sky was above was beautiful. "Can I get a little help here, yeah?"

What I meant when I said, "No, 

I don't think life is quite that simple"

Kairi was blissfully happy. Ansem's estate had finally come through and she had come into her inheritance. Tomorrow morning the bulldozers were moving in to level the quaint little huts and build a ten-storey palace. "It really hurts…man."

When you walk away 

You don't hear me say, please,

Unsurprisingly Lana was blissfully happy because she is by nature a vacuous and two-dimensional character. "Please somebody help me…man."

Oh baby, don't go

Simple and Clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight

Riku was blissfully happy because the other three were blissfully unaware that he was seeing all three of them on the side. "It's growing dark." 

It's hard to let it go.

 Hold me, 

They were all blissfully happy together and the world was what it should be. "Chappu, is that you?"

Whatever lies beyond this morning

Is a little later on

Darkness and light and creation of shadows and strength of the heart and some other pseudo-moral used to close out a story like this.  "No…man. Don't shake that – "

Regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all

 Nothing's like before. 

_And that's it. It's done, finished, over. Role credits, close curtains, run teaser trailer. And there you have one Kingdom Hearts masterpiece…well piece of something anyway. There is one thing however that is essential. The icing on the cake if you will. _

_Because whatever happens, don't forget the smarty-pants scene:_

When she retuned to the table the two boys were waiting for her. "**What took you so long, Kairi**?" asked. Sora. "We're hungry."

"Well I wouldn't have gone if you had said '**Please, oh baby, don't go**.' But you said I could go to the toilet. 

The waiter crossed to the table looking harassed. "Look guys, you're **the thirteenth order** I've had to take in the last ten minutes. So could you hurry it up."

"Yeah, sure." Said Sora. "I'll have the salmon."

"Salmon's off tonight." Said the waiter. 

"I'll have it anyway. **Something so natural **can't be off." 

Riku rolled his eyes. "**Regardless of warnings?** You're such an idiot. I'll have the steak, but I want it **simple and clean**, no sauce or anything." 

"That is so bad for you." Said Kairi. She pointed at the salad already in front of her. "**All I need** thanks."

"How can you eat that horse food." Said Riku.

"**When we are older you'll understand** that it's s**omething so simple **as a salad that will keep me from looking like a hippopotamus."

 "So what do you want to go see **a little later on**?" 

"**Metamorphosis**." Said the two boys without looking up. 

"No way." Said Kairi. "**This time I'll fight.** I'm not going to another of those dumb action flicks."

"Well what do you want to go see?"  asked Riku.

"**Paradise**." 

He looked up. "I hear it's **a fragmented tale**." 

"Well at least it's not **a** **creation born of ignorance**, like your dumb movie." 

"Yeah, well if we go to paradise the **eyes will close** before the credits even finish." He said. "I'll be snoring by scene two."  
 "Well maybe we should go to separate movies then." Snapped Kairi. 

"No," said Riku. "**We'll go together.** How about a compromise. **Meet Your Father**?"

"Okay." They agreed. 

Later when they were cuing for the tickets, Riku looked around. **"Where's Sora?"**

They found him standing in front of a poster for Metamorphosis. Riku tugged him on the arm. "**We have come for you my liege**. I bought your ticket for you." 

"Oh, thanks and sorry. But I've been looking forward to it all week. **Don't get me wrong I love you but does that mean I have to** see your stupid movie?"

"Come on, **your majesty** or we won't get in." said Riku. "I don't want to go home and say that **maybe our journey was for nothing**."

"But when we went to The Gathering it started at eight." 

Kairi shrugged. "The showing's in **another place** too. **Nothing's like before**." 

The End

Coming soon to a computer near you: Halbred's execution for attempted comedy. 


	2. The Hollow Bastion Diaries

A lot of the jokes in the main body of the story are out of date, but that's okay because a lot of the jokes in this part of the story are out of date too.

Anyway to celebrate the fact that Kingdom Hearts 2 is finally – _finally _– coming out in Europe (Pity me you Region 1 encoded bastards) we present the Hollow Bastian Diaries

Lana Sakura watched mesmerised as little flickers of electrical charge jumped between the wires of an exposed panel in the Hollow Bastian lift stop. "Shiny."

She reached out a hand to touch the little flicker of light. There was a sizzling sound and Lana was thrown back against the opposite wall. She lay there, dazed for a moment, then got back up, smoothed back her frazzled hair to shiny perfection and trotted over to watch the lights again. A minute later there was another sizzling sound as the whole process was repeated.

Cloud found Squeon sitting on the floor above watching her. "I don't know what it is," said Squeon, "But I find her stupidity soothing. Like watching a puppy."

"I always did wonder what it was you saw in Rinoa." replied Cloud. "What's she still doing here, anyway?"

"Stalking Riku."

"But why would Riku be still here? Didn't he, Sora and Kairi all go home to the Destiny Islands at the end of the last chapter?"

Squeon gave him a withering look. "As someone who has seen Advent Children I don't think you would want to go opening the can marked 'Plot Holes', do you?"

Cloud made a coughing sound that sounded remarkably like "Time compression!"

Squeon looked away pointedly. "Anyway Riku says the backdrop here is much better for brooding than the Destiny Isles, and Kairi is casing the joint for anything she can sell. So they're going to be lurking around the castle for the foreseeable future. You might as well get used to them."

"That's fine." said Cloud. "But if they're going to stay I'd like them to pull their weight. We've got Rain-Coats nesting in the West Tower again. They can help get rid of them."

"Fine by me." said Squeon.

From below there came another sizzling sound. This time Lana-Sakura did not get up. There was a smell of smoking meat.

The two cameos glanced at each other. "I'll go get Aerith."

"You know," said Riku, pulling the popcorn onto his lap, "I find it a little disturbing that we've got nothing better to do then sit around watching old security footage. I mean aren't there people to rescue? Worlds to save? Inexplicably phalanged final bosses to defeat? Merchandise to market?"

"I don't remember _you_ doing any of those things." said Sora, a little snottily.

Kairi bent down over the video machine. "Quiet. Yuffie told me there was some pretty great stuff on here. I want to check it out."

She pressed play and came back to squeeze in between the boys on the couch. The TV screen flickered and then there appeared a picture. It showed a room dominated by a very large mirror. Standing in front of it was a young man with grey hair and green eyes. He was dressed in skin-tight rubber armour.

"Oh Riku," said the boy. "You've been bad, haven't you. Very bad. A bad, bad boy. You gave your heart to darkness Riku, didn't you? You've been very bad. And what do bad boys do… They DANCE!"

As they watched he began to sing, all the time prancing around in front of the mirror, "Check me out in my rubber pants. I'm so hot in my rubber pants. I'm hot, hot, hot in my rubber pants. Check out my moulded rubber butt. Ooh yeah!" He started to moonwalk and then do the robot, bending over as far as possible so he could get a good look at aforementioned moulded rubber ass beneath the tattered skirt that covered it.

There was stunned silence. Two heads turned slowly in his direction. Riku had flushed scarlet right to the roots of his hair. "What? That wasn't me. I was possessed remember. Possessed. That was Ansem. Absolutely no control over my actions. None."

"Uh-huh." said Sora.

"Look if you want to blame anything blame Ansem and his creepy predilection for hot young boys with unbelievably tight, finely sculpted asses Have you seen the posters in his room? He's the only person in the world who actually prefers Raiden to Solid Snake."

"Uh-huh." said Kairi. The boy on-screen was now gripping both butt cheeks in his hands and wiggling them at the mirror as he licked his lips. "Ooh, yeah baby!"

"Well," said Sora. "_Ansem,_ certainly seems to be having a good time by himself. Do you think _Ansem _might be in need of a little therapy?"

"Hot, hot butt!"

"Oh please, just make it go away." said Riku, burying his head in his hands.

Kairi got up and put in the second tape. This one was marked 'West Tower'.

The screen showed a large, circular room, in which a great many hooded figures were standing, formed into a circle. Behind them was a large altar that seemed to be dedicated to the letter X.

One figure stepped forward. "I am Sloppily-Employed-Plot-Device." he said.

"Welcome, oh Sloppily-Employed-Plot-Device." said the ring of people.

Another figure stepped forward beside him. "And I am Hasty-Attempt-At-Exposition." she said.

"Welcome, oh Hasty-Attempt-At-Exposition." said the ring.

A third figure stepped forward. "And I am 'Suitably-Archaic-Speaking-Mysterious-Stranger-Whose-Physical-Appearance-Is-Clearly-Based-Off-Some-Trailers-and-A-Teaser-Video-Without-Any-Real-Concrete-Facts." He shuffled his feet and looked embarrassed. "Uh, but people usually call me Andrew."

"Welcome, oh Suitably-Archaic-Speaking-Mysterious-Stranger-Whose-Physical-Appearance-Is-Clearly-Based-Off-Some-Trailers-and-A-Teaser-Video-Without-Any-Real-Concrete-Facts-Who-Is-Usually-Called-Andrew." The ring recited dutifully.

"My brothers," said Sepd. "I have invoked this Annual General Mystery for many reasons. First on the Agenda is my fear that we are not being obtuse enough. If we are to succeed in our mission we cannot simply be slightly mysterious in our words and actions. I want randomness, people. I want crazy, gnomic utterings, I want advice that makes absolutely no sense. Do you understand?"

"Yes, oh great and mighty Sepd."

"For exampled. Haae, roll video."

On a screen above the altar a video began to play. It was a repeat of the Sephiroth scene from the previous chapter. When it was done there was some fervent clapping from the audience.

"Now, that," said Sepd, stroking the long white hair that had mysteriously appeared from out beneath his hood, "Is some quality jibberish. Not only was it complete and utter garbage, but it was complete and utter garbage offered with some serious style. We must all try to emulate him, my brothers."

"Yes." Said the crowd.

"Considering the designer that's in it, I doubt that'll be a problem." said a lone voice.

The ring opened to reveal the speaker. A boy with spiky red hair was sitting on the altar eating a banana. "I have a question." He said.

"What is it?" asked Sepd, sounding slightly miffed.

"Why are we making this joke in the first place? I mean, it's way, way out of date. Even Europe's seen Chain of Memories at this stage."

"Shut up, oh Canon-Character-Who-Thinks-He-Is-Better-Than-Us."

"Yeah, shut up Axel." said Andrew.

"Silence, oh Suitably-Archaic-Speaking-Mysterious-Stranger-Whose-Physical-Appearance-Is-Clearly-Based-Off-Some-Trailers-and-A-Teaser-Video-Without-Any-Real-Concrete-Facts-Who-Is-Usually-Called-Andrew." Said Sepd. "We will not dignify it by giving it a name. Ignore it and perhaps it will vanish. Now we must discuss plot bunnies, and punish whoever it was who gave the mouse that coat. But first let us have a full recounting of the most harebrained fan theory we can find."

Sora leapt up. "Eeek! Spoilers." But the camera had closed in on Axel's face. "Today's episode was brought to you by the letter X and the number thirteen." The screen went dead.

"Alright," said Kairi, "Let's move along."

The third tape was marked, "Dungeon" and the camera was positioned so it could look through the bars of a small cell. There was a young man locked inside. He looked rather dapper. He wore a frilly turquoise shirt on. He had cuffs. He had a little blonde pony-tail tied up in a black ribbon. He also had a monkey tail. He was extremely thin.

"Hello? Hello?…Squall? Cloud? Come on, you can let me out now."

Nothing answered him but silence. "Come on, you guys. Look I promise I won't ever squeeze Aerith's ass again…Or anyone else's, I promise…I'll get myself a sword. I'll even consider brooding, a little…maybe I'll even let you kill off Dagger…well okay, maybe Steiner…Come on guys, please?…It's not like I widdled _on camera _or anything. Come on please."

Still nothing but silence.

"It's just," he continued. "That no one's been down here for months. I'm starting to get a bit worried that you might have forgotten me. I was forced to eat Freya and Amarant." He indicated a couple of piles of bones. "But now all I have left is Quina, and to be honest she tastes nasty."

No reply.

"Please…please. Guys. Anybody?"

"This is boring," said Sora, "What else you got?"

She picked up the next disc. It was labelled, "Final Fantasy VII: Not For Advent Children."

On-screen there was light and movement as someone fumbled with the camera and then…

"Oh Cloud!"

"Oh Aerith!"

"Oh Cloud!"

"Oh Tifa!"

"Oh Cloud!"

"Oh Sephiroth!"

"This a disgusting and disturbing piece of filth, clearly filmed by a perverted and morally bankrupt person or persons." said Riku, his eyes glued to the screen.

"I agree with Riku." said Sora, starting to drool.

"Oh sorry," Kairi blushed a little, "I guess I put in the wrong tape. I'll switch." She reached for the machine.

"No." said Riku. "Leave it on. Er…for scientific purposes. As champions against the forces of evil should know exactly what sort of despicable acts these people will perform."

"Yes," said Sora. "Naked, naked despicable acts."

"Oh Cloud."

"Oh Barrett."

In perfect sinc two libidos keeled over dead.

"Ahhh!" The two boys shrieked and dived behind the couch, burying their heads in each others' shoulders to try and block out the noises.

"Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop!" shrieked Riku.

Kairi hit the pause button. "Okay, okay, they're gone."

Slowly the boys emerged from behind the couch. She pressed play.

"Oh Barrett!"

"Ahhh!" They dived back under the couch.

"Okay this time it's safe."

"Promise?"

"Yeah. Would I do that to you twice."

"Oh Norg the bulbous yellow garden master from Final Fantasy VIII."

"Ahhh!"

She grinned. "There are lots back here, you know. 'The Legend of Zelda: Link's Sexual Awakening', "Space Invade Her", "Metal Gear Solid Three: Snake Eater'."

"I've got to go help Squeon with the king." Riku was already legging it down the corridor, leaving Sora alone to cower behind the couch. Tentatively he raised his hand.

"Yes Sora."

"Can we put back on the tape of Riku dancing around in his underwear?"

"Hot hot butt!"

As Riku was now officially Mickey's human-in-waiting Squeon asked that he would accompany him to see the king when he brought him his lunch. They journeyed deep into the bowls of the castle to where the king was staying.

"I don't recognise that place." said Riku, looking around at the décor. What particularly caught his eye were the spikes and the unidentified rust-coloured stains on the walls. He was sure they had passed the iron maiden a little while back.

"It's Ansem's lab." explained Squeon, "It's where he used to create Heartless."

"Oh, right." said Sora. "I see, so the king must be here eradicating the latent forces of evil and laying the weary souls of the tortured to rest right?"

"Uh, not exactly. He's renting it out."

"What would King Mickey need a lab for making Heartless for?"

"Oh I don't know. It's probably something to do with fluffy bunnies and cutsey little squirrels and teaching the whole world how to smile." said Squeon, despondently.

"I can see that." said Riku, flicking the arm of a grotesquely deformed skeleton out of his way.

Squeon knocked on the door. "Um, Your Majesty, I brought you your cheese, also I borrowed that whip you asked for off Quistis."

Riku glanced at the whip, which was made of black leather. It simply added to the mystery of why the blonde, leggy Quistis had never managed to get herself a canon pairing.

The door opened and Mickey came out to beam to beam at their navels. "Squeon, Riku, hello. Why don't you come on in? There's something I want to show you."

He seized them by the hand and dragged them inside. The bright colours and happy faces smiling down from the many film posters and brochures were completely at odds with the spikes and the cruel and unusual instruments of torture. There were also some hand-written notes scattered around on various table-tops, out of place with all the corporate, hand-written efficiency of the rest of the lab.

"I've been researching the methods Ansem used to create Heartless," said the king happily.

"That's wonderful, your Majesty." said Riku, not liking at all where this was going. "No doubt you'll learn a lot."

"Hah!" said the King. "The only thing I've learned is that Ansem was a rank amateur. Instruments of torture? Cruelty? Leaving people locked up in a dark basement. Kindergarten stuff. I could have taught him so much. There are far subtler ways of creating a heartless. Stand here." He grabbed the whip off Squeon, positioned the two brooders in front of a curtained window and vanished.

Riku gave Squeon a long look. "Oh this is going well."

"Look as long as he's not singing."

A second later the curtains opened to reveal the room beyond. Sitting on a stool in the centre of the room was a chubby, tanned man wearing a small pair of glasses and a very bright Hawaiian shirt. Surrounding him on all sides were piles of wealth, beautiful women and shiny cars. He looked very frightened.

Mickey was standing on the other side of the room, holding the whip in one hand. "Look at it John, isn't it beautiful? Don't you want it? You can have it all if you only see things my way. Now let's try this one more time. What's the most important thing about making movies?"

John looked around a little nervously. "Ar-art-artistic integrity?"

Mickey cracked the whip loudly. "No, John…no! That's wrong. Wrong! Try again."

"A great story?"

Mickey shook his head sadly. "John, I'm not liking these answers. Now I'm going to leave you alone for a while to think. When I come back I want you to have the right answers for me. If you do you can have a Porche. I you don't I'll have to take one of Brad's."

"No." said John, starting to weep. "Please don't do that."

"I don't want to, John, but if you keep on making me upset I'm going to have to. Now you already know what happened to Andrew."

"You killed his fish."

"You made me do it John. You know you did. Think of poor little Dory just flapping around there on the ground. It was so sad. Do you really want that to happen to Mrs. Incredible?"

John made a dive for the mouse but Mickey just cracked his whip and drove him back to his stool. "That was bad John. Now I'm going to leave and you're going to stay here and think. Do you want lots and lots of money or do you want Fro-Zone's head on a platter?"

The curtains closed on John, rocking back and forth on his stool sobbing, "To infinity and beyond."

"Well, what do you think?" Riku jumped. The king was back at his side. Riku looked down. Squeon had jumped rather unexpectedly into his arms.

"He's been a tough nut to crack." said Mickey. "Keeps going on about 'artistic integrity' and things being 'director driven'. But I'll get him. Another couple of days and he'll be signing on the dotted line for Toy Story 6 and buying out Studio Ghibli so they can produce a new series of Recess for us. I've had a lot of experience on this. Maybe you've heard of some of my masterpieces?"

He pointed to a set of framed photos on his desk. The first showed a man in a power business suit ripping the still-beating heart out of a child to devour it. "Michael Eisner."

The second showed a different man, this one wielding some sort of insane torture implement like a fishing rod but with a hundred razor-sharp hooks attacked to it. Skewered on the end of each hook was a carcass. There were some sharks, ants, a racoon, a zebra, two green ogres, a donkey and a cat in a fedora. He was spinning the rod over his head so that the bodies spun through the air. "Geoffery Katzenberg – though I'll admit I had a bit of help from Spielberg on that one."

The third picture was a framed postcard showing a cheerful cartoon alligator taking a swing with a golf club at the largest golf ball Riku had ever seen. "Florida." Said the king. "I'm particularly fond of that one. I just came along and ripped the heart of that whole state and no one even noticed."

"That's nice." said Riku, praying that a swarm of heartless would appear just then so he could have an excuse to get out of here. "Well, I suppose we had better get – " he stopped. Something had just occurred to him. "Your Majesty, could you wait right here. I've got to go fetch something."

He went to the door and opened it. He should have known she would already be standing outside, smiling vacuously.

"Lana-Sakura, just the person I was looking for." He seized her by the hand and dragged her inside. "Your Majesty meet Lana-Sakura."

"Howdy." Said King Mickey.

"Ooh, a talking mouse. How pretty. Would you like to be my friend Mr. Mouse? We can run through the fields together angsting." Lana-Sakura beamed happily at him.

"I'd like to volunteer Lana-Sakura as your new test subject." said Riku.

"Hm," Mickey circled her as if he were considering a slightly stinky used car, or a film that used traditional 2D animation. "I don't know Riku."

"She's extremely dogged and utterly sycophantic. And just imagine how good those author-wish-fullfillment curves would look in a business suit."

"Jimminy Cricket!" yelled Mickey. "I'll do it. She'll be my masterwork. Leave her with me for a week and by the end of it I promise you Riku, I'll have turned her into a power lesbian and have her running Disneyland Tokyo."

Riku suddenly felt close to the verge of tears. "That's wonderful your majesty. Thank you." Then suddenly he saw a trap, not for him but for a dear friend. "But if you turn her into a lesbian isn't there a risk she might try to appear in slash fics with Kairi?"

"I promise you only the most dyed-in-the-wool dykes will even find her attractive."

"Bless you, King Mickey."


End file.
